What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 01:26
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Especially a lifetime of it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
This is soul school!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Why am I sweating so much at night even though my room is really cold?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
All the time i was locked up.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
I don,t even have a pension.
I said to her
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
What is something you have to share?
He resisted the act ,that day.
And i lived it daily.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was scared of men, in general
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I waited trembling.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He knew the spot.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was very sick at this time too.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It was going to be , some day.
She wouldn,t have been !
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I have no regrets .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
So whats the point in blame.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Comes on , in middle age.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She found it foreign!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Who then, do I blame.?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Would this be the day?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was 9 years of age.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Ive learnt so much.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I never cut or harmed myself..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
When she asked me how she looked .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But, we were locked up after school.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She loved him until the end.
Im still living with it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She married twice! .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I think the readers, may guess!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was seconnd youngest,
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We all went to grammer schools
I will be 64.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She was in good health!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One cannot live in the past .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My life is so biszare .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Put me off passion for life!!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
So, i spoilt her more .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My family never makes their pension either.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I write beautiful poetry .
But it wasn’t much.
What did i know ?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We were not on the streets..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!